I could never…

Today I saw a show. There was a mother, an adoptee mom, who adopted a baby girl. She was from a state where the birth mother gets to change her mind within 60 days. She made it to day 57 before the mother changed her mind.

I’m at 190 days. Well, 187 since I signed her papers. There are many times when I wish I would have said no. No, not wish, think about how it would be if I were to say no. If I had changed my mind, either when it was time to sign the papers, or when she was born and first handed to me, I would have hurt the family, and I would have hurt Eliana. I looked over and saw they had the same awe and love that we had.

I can’t say I’m perfect, and I that I don’t feel sad sometimes. But I can say that I am at peace with everything. My mother told me I shouldn’t see Elli as much as I do, that it just hurts me more, but I find that the more I see her, the easier it is for my heart to understand.

As Eliana grows, so do the hearts around her, so does the brightness in this world. She may be little, and may not be able to talk, but she captures the hearts of all who see her. Her giggles and smiles bring smiles and giggles to your face, and her tears and cries stab at your heart, and you long to comfort her.

                 

Our little girl is getting so big! It’s hard to think 6 months ago was my last moment where she was just mine. Just 6 months ago Elli and I were parted and she went on to her new family. 6 months ago our family got 4 people bigger.

6 months ago I fell in love, and I could never deny anyone else the chance to fall in love with her too.

The beginning

As this is my first post, let me bring everyone up to speed.

My blog will mainly be about a birthmother, and her ability to adapt and thrive in her choice to give her daughter a better life.

On June 2nd, 2010, my beautiful daughter Eliana was born. Never had I cried as hard as I did then, knowing that the beautiful tiny girl shivering and crying on my tummy, was not mine to keep.

My life had been a whirlwind for the past year. I had joined the Navy as an engine mechanic. I got to know sweet boyfriend, who wasn’t at the time, while on leave. Then I spent 6 months at sea. When I returned home, he was the first person called. That sweet man, my honey, as I refer to him, came to visit me in September of ‘09.

In October, we found out we were pregnant. Our first thought was that neither one of us wanted to terminate the pregnancy. A very good friend of mine had put her child up for adoption when we were in high school, and we decided that would be the best decision.

Often I would speak to baby, telling her mommy was so sorry, that mommy would always love her, forever. I bounced back and forth between staying in and keeping her, and moving home, leaving the Navy and handing her over to a family that could provide more than I could. We found out she was a girl in November.

                 

I was discharged from the Navy and sent home in March of 2010. We then met the perfect family. They had one daughter, almost a year old. They were engineers, stable, and in their 40s. Having another child would put baby and mom in danger, but they really wanted another child. We tried our hardest to find any flaw at all in this family that would prove we should keep baby girl and try our hardest to provide for her. But we could find none. We knew it was too selfish to keep her for ourselves.

We were induced on June 1st, and at 11:50 pm, baby Eliana was brought into the world. Both our family, and her new one were in attendance. I wanted my honey to tell me we couldn’t do it, to tell me we could keep her. But I looked over at her new family, eagerly awaiting for her to be given the ok to be held. I knew she belonged to them.

Eliana Sophia will always be my little girl, and I will always be her mommy.

                       

Now I will do my best to share how it feels to be a Birthmother in an open adoption.